good morning,

i failed.

i said i would send a second e-mail telling you guys about how the prison project meeting went and i failed.

why did i fail to do this simple action?

i don't actually know, but i think now i reflect that it wasn't a perfect meeting, and there were some bits i wasn't 100% with, and i didn't want to share it, and so i went ostrich.

i stuck my head in the proverbial sand, and sang la la la la very loudly, hoping the problem would go away.

did it go away?

you know it didn't.

it never will.

i had given my word to people that actually click a button where is says subscribe, and i know that hundreds of you open this blog weekly, and after saying i would send a second blog out after the meeting, i didn't.

why is that?

i knew you were there, supporting me, in a way that many don't, and that you guys are the closest ones to bigmoose, who really do support us in everything we do, and you deserve to be treated better, and yet ostrich boy kicked into life, and i ran away.

anybody got any ideas on this one?

this is not a healthy personality trait, and i am pretty disappointed in myself, as it is very destructive, and breaks down relationships that it has taken a long time to build with you, so i am sorry.

i am trying to figure it out, and i think it is probably because i didn't change the world in one meeting, we didn't solve all of cardiff's prison issues within an hour, and we didn't form a well bonded cohesive unit all pulling in the same direction, grabbing the attention of everyone in the room to the degree that they didn't need to check their mobile phones mid meeting.

none of the above happened.

and now i am writing this stuff down it is becoming clearer to me, i set my expectations too high.

if i act alone, in a race, a challenge, or just life, i know what i expect of myself, and it is up to me to deliver, and sometimes i don't hit the target, sending the second e-mail last week for example, but normally i know what i expect of myself, but last weeks meeting i was naive.

naive in that i expected everybody to gel immediately, and on reflection i don't think anybody else in the room of 11 knew anybody but me.

how ridiculous of me to expect that to work straight away, and how banal of me to have been ashamed of that in the degree that stopped me from sharing that story with you warts n all, life ain't disney you know, stuff goes wrong, we fail, and sometimes it takes longer to get to where you want to be.

now the crazy thing is the meeting was a success, and we are all going to cardiff prison on the 9th september, so everybody can get a taste of what they are getting involved with, but because of these couple of things that irked me i shut down, completely.

this is really crazy behaviour, i don't know if you've ever done the same kind of thing, you know it doesn't compute, but you do it anyway, even though you know it is wrong, it's almost like a death wish, knowing that by taking no action the consequences will be worse.

if there is anybody out there that can shed light on why as 99% of the time rational, kind of educated humans can do this i would love to know why.

so, the meeting was only 90% successful, but on reflection that was very good, and hopefully after the 9th we will get even better traction, and i will set my expectations a little lower, and realise that we aint gonna change the world overnight, man my simplistic way of dreaming to do stuff is flawed sometimes.

so, i just unconsciously did a big inhale and exhale, as if i had exorcised that demon, and i am consciously going to try to improve this aspect of my life, as it is apparent that it certainly needs it.

i feel like i am stretched out on a couch in a psychiatrists office, apologies for assuming you will sit there, glasses on, asking me questions about when i was child, with a quasi german accent, geez don't get me started! lol

so how's that bright friday starting out for ya, i've totally blown that one for ya haven't i!

let's ave some good happy news.


now whether you're a fan or not, what seems to be apparent to me is that if we invest in good stuff (sport) and we see success, then our future generations get inspired, put the burgers and consuls down, go trampolining, running, jumping and cavorting, reducing obesity, saving the country money on meds and care later in life, and the country improves overall, so hopefully after an extremely successful games we will continue to invest, in what seems to me to be a portfolio with high returns, obviously just an opinion, but please debate in your office or peer group, and i'd love to know your thoughts.

coffee shop.

it is getting very close, i don't want to say too much in case i jinx it, but it is getting to the squeaky bum stage, as, if the man from del monte says yes, we will need to step up and deliver, so if it happens be ready for a call, as we will be mobilising the troops big time to get involved in a gazillion ways, i'm actually getting nervous as i type this, but that's a good thing right?

we have our next running for emily training run on the 29th, and i will be flying back that day from chamonix after a cheeky weekend away, hanging out with my mucka richard who i met on marathon des sables, who i am really looking forward to seeing again, as he is a bit of a business guru, and i am hoping to learn some stuff from him, as well as walking up some white pointy things.

everest training is going well, and as i type this my stomach gets wobbly, what the heck am i gonna be like once i get on the hill, oh my, what do i get myself into!!!

i saw my mate liam from nom nom chocolate last week, who has agreed to work with us on the coffee shop, and give us all the broken bits of chocolate he gets for us to use in our hot chocolate, which is super kind, though it will be pretty tricky for me to stop myself from doing random taste tests on aforementioned product, but a lovely gesture from liam, thanks matey.

my running coach rory is making great strides, literally, and is now walking with sticks, as opposed to a walking frame, and i really wouldn't back against him doing mds 2017, and if he does i really think there's a movie there for the offing, i may act as his agent on that one, watch this space.

so as i sit at my desk applying words to this blog, i reflect on rory and his plight, and my world seems a very bright place.

thanks for sticking with me, we all need support from time to time, and by clicking on this blog weekly hopefully we can help each other, i certainly need it.

to end with today, here is a nice little nike video of a guy climbing, which made me smile, and hopefully does you too.

and finally here is a picture of my mate doogie's wife who has just come through her last bout of chemo, and celebrated her 40th birthday this week, how flipping amazing does she look, happy birthday kirsty lay, never ever ever give up.

till next week, i'll be seeing ya,

blue skies,